Haunted by the past
by NY-makes-me-happy
Summary: How is Lindsay coping with the demons in her past? Possible M&Ms later, spoilers for season 3, about Lindsay's past. Mentions of self harm. Sorry for the LOOOOOOONG wait for this.
1. Regressing

**OK, this isn't related to any of my other stories, whilst looking for inspiration for my sequel I came up with this, it may get pretty hard going later, but what good angst story doesn't?**

**Please review as I'm not 100 percent sure if this is going in a good direction, well it certainly ain't good for the character, but you know what I mean.**

**I don't own anything; not CSI, not the characters, not anything. Really, I'm a student, so I owe more than I own!**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Regressing**

Lindsay was washing her hands in the bathroom, the warm water trickling between her fingers, the laughter of her friends in the background, when she heard the bell signalling another patron in the diner. All of a sudden, BANG, Lindsay's head snapped round towards the door, the screams of her friends echoing with the bang in her ears. BANG, Lindsay's breath shortened and her body froze. BANG, Lindsay covered her ears to stop the screams in her head as she ducked under the sink. BANG, tears began to stream down Lindsay's face, mirroring the running water in the sink above her. The tap, she left the tap on, whoever was doing this would hear it. She lifted her head slowly looking towards the door, her hands still covering her ears, when the door flew open. **BANG**.

Lindsay sat bolt upright in bed, her heart pounding in her chest, her breath so fast she thought she was going to pass out, sweat dripping from her forehead, her hands trembling in fear. She remained in that position, bolt upright, her hands hovering over her face, legs curled under her body, until her breathing and heart rate returned to a normal state, or as normal as it could under the recent circumstances. Ever since the day Lindsay received the call that Daniel Katums had been arrested and she would have to return to Montana to give her testimony of that day again the dreams which haunted her teenage years had returned. Along with the dreams came the feelings of guilt and unworthiness and with that guilt and unworthiness came something much more dangerous, something Lindsay thought she had buried a long time ago.

Lindsay crossed her arms over her knees, her hands on the opposite forearms, her finger nails scratching at the skin nervously. She rocked gently back and forth as the tears surfaced again. She wished for someone, anyone, to be there for her, to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her it wasn't her fault, to make her feel better, that she was worthy of this life, to convince her that she was wrong when she thought it should've been her. Deep down though, she knew, that is was her fault, that she wasn't worthy of this life she had built, that it should've been her that died that day and no one could convince her otherwise, not her parents who told her that Daniel had been caught, not her friends who called her when they heard the news, not her co-workers who noticed a change in her behaviour, not the bartender at the bar she went to every night after work, not the man she had slept with in a drunken state a few days ago and certainly not Danny, who called her every night to see how she was. She felt alone, alone in the busiest city in the world.

When the light from the rising sun began to stream through the curtains of Lindsay's bedroom she realised she must have been awake for the majority of the night again, even though she felt 

exhausted, she just couldn't bear close her eyes, she couldn't bear to sleep, she couldn't bear to dream, so she climbed out from beneath the covers and walked over to the bathroom to take a shower. Once inside the bathroom Lindsay turned on the shower and sat on the edge of the bath to wait for the water to warm up. Sitting there, the still cold water trickling over her feet, Lindsay noticed something between her bottles of shampoo and conditioner, something she had seen many times before, something so innocent until these feelings came back from her past, it was staring her in the face, practically screaming at her, reflecting the dim light from her bathroom, the blade of her razor.

_A 14 year old Lindsay sat alone in the centre of her father's wheat field, the surrounding area flattened from repeated visits, a bottle of her father's whiskey in her right hand, a photo of her and her three best friends in her left hand, tears streaming down her face, settling on the black fabric of her blouse. She always came out here to think, she had been there every day since it happened, thinking, but today was different, today she didn't want to think; she wanted to forget. She could still hear the mumbles of the gatherers in her parents' house, the people who had come to say goodbye, goodbye to her three best friends, they'd all said how lucky she was, how they would be proud of the way she was holding up. None of them realised that she wasn't lucky, that she wasn't holding up, that she thought they were lucky, they didn't have to deal with the aftermath, seeing all the blood, seeing their mother's faces at the funeral, seeing their coffins lowered into the ground side by side, no one realised that she wanted to be by their sides too. She took another long swig of the whisky, trying to make the pain and the tears go away, it wasn't working, the previously full bottle was now close to being empty, but she still felt the pain. She threw the bottle to the ground in frustration, shattering it into a million pieces, the amber liquid seeping into the ground. Again the tears came, this time not in sadness, in anger. She slammed her fists into the ground, her right hand coming into contact with the shards of glass littering the ground beneath her. She saw the blood oozing down her hand as she lifted from the ground, she watched as it trickled slowly down from her knuckles, down the back of her hand, to her wrist and down her arms, eventually dripping off her elbow. As she watched the crimson liquid making its journey to the ground she felt some of her pain drip away with it. _

Lindsay was brought out of her flashback by the sound of her cell phone ringing in the bedroom. She sighed as she realised the water running around her feet was still cold, at first thinking her hot water must be broken, but quickly realising it had probably become warm and gone cold again whilst she was lost in her past. She lifted her wet feet out of the bath, wrapped a towel around herself and walked unenthusiastically over to the night stand to answer her ringing phone.

"Monroe"

"_Lindsay..." _it was Mac, she knew his voice, even in her shattered state _"... I know you aren't in till later but we've got a multiple, can you come in a couple of hours early?"_

"Sure Mac, I'm up anyway, I'll be there in a bit."

Mac gave Lindsay the address of the crime scene, apologizing for having to ring her so early, even though she was actually glad of the distraction, work was the only thing she could really lose herself in, and she hung up. She got herself dressed as quickly as her exhausted state would allow, put some coffee in a travel mug, collected her things and left her apartment to brave the outside world.


	2. Running

**Thanks for the reviews, it's a bit slow going at the moment, but hold out for the good stuff.**

**In case you hadn't noticed, stuff in **_**Italics**_** is flashback.**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Running**

Lindsay travelled to the crime scene in a daze, trying to shift the feelings in her head, to focus on the road. As she was pulling up to the address Mac had given her she was beginning to fall into work mode, all feelings were being blocked out of her head and she concentrated on the task at hand. She climbed out of her car and walked round to the trunk to retrieve her kit, looking at the surrounding area as she did so, taking in the ATM machine across the street, which she knew would have a CCTV camera in. It was then she noticed the building she had pulled in front of, her crime scene, a diner. Her breath caught in her throat, her heart skipped a beat, Mac hadn't given her any details of the crime exactly, but a multiple homicide in a diner was the last thing she needed at the moment.

_A 14 year old Lindsay was crouching beneath the sink in the bathroom of the diner, her hands covering her ears, when she noticed the tap still running, she cautiously lifted her head and removed her hands from her ears, she could hear footsteps, but they weren't near the door. She slowly stood to her feet, turned off the tap and quietly made her way over to the bathroom door, which was open a fraction, just enough to let a thin stream of light settle on the floor of the bathroom and up to the currently approaching terrified young girl. She stood with her back to the wall, she could just see through the crack in the door, she couldn't see her friends, or the waitress, but she could see blood, pooling on the floor, the pool growing by the second, threatening to reach the door of the bathroom. Then she saw him, covered in the same blood which pooled on the floor, shotgun flung over his shoulder, dark menacing eyes, walking around the diner, smiling, he was smiling at the damage he had caused._

"Lindsay"

Lindsay was slowly brought out of her flashback by a familiar voice calling her.

"Lindsay, you OK?"

The voice was closer now, stood a few feet in front of her and coming closer by the second. She shook her head, as if trying to empty it of her thoughts.

"Linds, what's up?"

She could see the owner of the voice now, light brown hair, piercing blue eyes hidden behind rimless glasses.

"Danny, nothing, I'm fine" Lindsay replied, unconvincingly.

"You sure, you looked kind of out of it." He wasn't lying, she had looked that way for about a week, dark circles under her eyes, her complexion was becoming paler by the day; she just didn't look herself at all.

"I'm fine Messer." This time she replied with more insistency.

Danny reluctantly gave in; he'd learned over the short time he'd known Lindsay that pushing her for answers would only make her angrier. The two detectives made their way over to the diner, Lindsay leading the way, Danny hanging back with a worried expression. As soon as Lindsay ducked under the yellow crime scene tape she returned to work mode and again began scanning the area to look for clues. Behind her, Danny still had the worried expression on his face, an expression which didn't go unnoticed by Flack, who upon seeing Lindsay and then Danny's face behind indicated to Lindsay with his pen whilst giving Danny a questioning look. Danny simply replied with a shrug of the shoulders as he straightened up after ducking under the crime scene tape. The men followed Lindsay into the diner and found her standing just inside the door, her eyes scanning the room.

The two men however didn't notice the look of horror on Lindsay's face as they entered the diner. Danny walked past Lindsay, back to his kit and back to the evidence he had found prior to her arrival. Flack began to recall to Lindsay what had happened.

"Manager came to open up this morning found this, 4 dead, the girl behind the counter, a waitress; she was supposed to be locking up last night, 2 teenage girls in the booth at the rear, 1 in the bathroom. Manager said the girls were the only ones in here when he left at 8, said they were regulars, told the waitress to lock up when they left."

Throughout Flack's explanation of the previous evenings events Lindsay heard nothing; the sight in front of her was all too familiar.

_Coming out of the bathroom Lindsay saw 2 of her friends on the ground around the table they had been sat at, surrounded by blood._

Tears began to form in Lindsay's eyes as Flack spoke.

_Moving further out of the bathroom she saw her other friend, laid on her stomach, facing towards the rear door, again, surrounded by blood, she'd been trying to escape._

The tears which Lindsay had been holding back were now tumbling down her face, her head shaking side to side. Danny noticed this and began to stand back from his evidence.

_Lindsay advanced further out of the bathroom, over to the counter where she saw the waitress, slumped over the surface next to the open, empty till._

Danny had reached Lindsay just as Flack finished his explanation, who looked up to see his female colleague, frozen to the spot where she was at the start of his account of last night's events, Danny making his way over to her.

Danny put his hands on Lindsay's shoulders, "Linds. What's wrong?"

Lindsay shook his hands from her shoulders. Her eyes still fixated on the dead teenagers in front of her.

This time Danny put his hands on her face, trying to turn it so her eyes met his. "Lindsay, talk to me."

Lindsay refused to meet his gaze and pushed his hands away from her face with force. She turned from the horror in front of her and left the diner, ducking under the yellow tape and running to her car. She put the key in the ignition and sped off, almost hitting another car on her way.

The two male detectives stood in the doorway of the diner, dumbstruck by what had just happened.

**Please review, it's an addiction.**


	3. Remembering

**The next two chapters are short, they were going to be one but they sat better separately. At least I aren't holding them back from you, you can have them both at once!**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Remembering**

Lindsay drove away from the crime scene, which so resembled the one she was part of as a 14 year old girl, with tears streaming down her face, dodging traffic, trying to get home as fast as possible. Memories of that day that she had tried to suppress for so many years came flooding back. The metallic smell of the blood, the taste of bile in her mouth as she tried to keep the meal she had just eaten down, the glazed look in their eyes which were fixed open, the smell of burning from the shotgun, the sounds of the screams as her friends were shot dead, the sounds of the gun shots, the lights from the police cars and redundant ambulances, the sobs of her friends mothers, the feeling of guilt that she did nothing.

Amazingly Lindsay made it back to her apartment without causing any traffic accidents. She grabbed her phone from its place on the passenger seat where she had thrown it when she entered the car and made her way up to her apartment. Once inside she dropped her things on the dresser by the door and walked purposefully to the bathroom, making a quick detour to the alcohol cupboard in her kitchen to pick up a bottle of tequila. Tears still clouded her eyes causing her to crash into her sofa, the end table, the kitchen surface, the door frame to the bathroom and the edge of the bath, although she didn't feel anything. She removed her clothes, turned on the shower and sat under the cold water, her knees tucked under her chin; her arms enclosing them, hoping it would wash her feelings away. Tears began to mix with the water which was flowing over her face. Her eyes caught sight of something glistening at the other end of the bath tub again, as it had that morning. She leant forwards and picked it up, holding it in both hands, centimetres away from her face. She fidgeted with it, her toes curling and uncurling under her. Feelings which she thought were long gone were resurfacing and she still didn't know how to deal with them.

_A few days following the funeral of her best friends Lindsay found herself back in her father's wheat field, another bottle of whiskey in her hand. She lay down, watching the clouds pass over head, tears again filling her eyes. When her vision was beginning to become cloudier, from a mixture of tears and alcohol, she sat up. When she did return to a sitting position she noticed the photograph she had been holding the day of her friends' funeral which she had forgotten to pick up in her drunken state. The tears which had barely retreated resurfaced as she remembered them. The conversations they had that day in the diner, about boys, about the approaching summer, that they would be friends forever. Forever. The word brought fresh tears, her three friends would be friends forever, they were together, but they left her, alone. That was when she noticed the glass from the bottle she broke the last time she was there and remembered the feeling it gave her when she punched the ground, the feeling that her pain was dripping away with the blood. She leant forwards and picked up one of the bigger shards of glass. She ran her fingers over the sharp edges, at first softly, but gradually harder, _

_she could feel the corners scratching the skin of her fingertips and again, she continued to press harder until one of the corners pierced her skin. The second she saw the crimson liquid seep out of her fingertip she felt a wash of relief throughout her entire body. She squeezed her finger to cause the liquid to run quicker, causing drops to fall to the ground beneath her, thus beginning a downward spiral which would follow her throughout her life._

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	4. Returning

**A very short, but very angsty chapter.**

**Enjoy!**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Returning**

Lindsay threw the object she had toyed with throughout her flashback to the end of the bath where it shattered and grabbed the bottle of tequila she had placed on the toilet to her right, unscrewing the cap and taking a long swig from the bottle. She felt the liquid burn her throat as she swallowed, and felt the warmth travel down her throat to her stomach. She continued to take mouthful after mouthful of the burning liquid, all the while keeping her eyes on the blade which sat at the opposite end of the bath. She returned the bottle to its position on the toilet and sat back, raising her left arm in front of her face, her fingers tracing the pale white scars which marred her otherwise perfect complexion. No one ever saw them; she always wore long sleeved shirts, or covered them with makeup. Her left arm lowered as she raised her right arm, repeating the action, tracing the tiny white scars on her arm, her hands then travelled to her legs, where she had, as a teenager, transferred her anger when hiding her arms became more difficult. The scars here were larger, some even resulted in hospitalisation. Her eyes left the scars on her legs and once again settled on the glistening blade at the end of the bath. She picked it up between her thumb and index finger; again, tracing the edges with her finger tip, when she caught the corner the recognizable crimson liquid seeped from the wound, as it had that time in the wheat field when she began her downward spiral. A familiar feeling washed over her and she was drawn into it. She straightened her right leg out in front of her, taking the blade between her thumb and index finger and held it against her skin for a few minutes, her left hand holding her forehead. Pinching the bridge of her nose she brought the blade into contact with her skin, the cold steel against her skin felt so familiar and good. She drew the blade across her skin and watched as a trail of blood was left in its place. She released a long breath she hadn't realised she had been holding and watched as the crimson liquid ran down her leg and mixed with the water in the base of the bath, turning it red. As the water washed the blood away she felt her pain running away with it. She hung her head back, feeling the now cold water run onto her face and she felt a release she hadn't felt in years.

Lindsay wasn't sure how long she sat in her bath for, but after a while the feeling began to come back to her body, and a mixture of the now freezing shower and the alcohol she had consumed was giving her a headache. She stood, turning off the shower and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her body. Before she left the bathroom she picked up the bottle of tequila from the toilet and took another long swig. She walked into her bedroom, placed the bottle on top of her drawers, not before taking another drink, and took out some sweats to wear. After changing she heard her cell phone ringing in the living room. It stopped ringing as she walked over, she sighed, took another mouthful of tequila and picked it up, it was then she noticed several missed calls from Danny and Mac, it hit her; she ran away from a crime scene, how was she going to explain it to Mac?

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	5. Reasoning

**Bit longer this one. Thanks for all the reviews; it's a hard one to write, trying to get all the emotion right. Hope its working.**

**I don't own CSI, yadda yadda.**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Reasoning**

Lindsay's mind was working overtime trying to think of a plausible reason why she would run away from a crime scene, _I'm sorry Mac, but I came over ill, _no that wouldn't work, she'd just spoken to him, _I'm sorry Mac, one of the girls was a friend of mine, _no, that wouldn't work either, he'd ask which one and how she knew her, _I'm sorry Mac, I was there last night, I saw them, _no, that wouldn't work, he'd ask her what she saw and look at the CCTV, _I'm sorry Mac, it was me, I did it! _Definitely not a good idea. Mac wouldn't believe anything she told him, other than the truth especially if she was telling him face to face, he was trained to spot a liar. _I could tell him the truth_. No, the truth was too painful, the only people who knew about it were her parents and her friends from high school, no one else needed to know.

Lindsay was now curled up on her sofa, the half empty bottle of tequila sitting in front of her on the coffee table, she could feel its effects coursing through her body, her eyes were heavy and her vision blurry, when she'd walked over to the couch she'd stumbled and knocked the end table over before slumping into the soft cushions. She rested her head on the arm of the sofa and let her eyes close, exhaustion taking over.

"_Lindsay Monroe, open this door now!" A 15 year old Lindsay sat alone in her locked bedroom. Her mother was outside, hammering on the door, begging to be let in. "NO MUM, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE" she replied angrily, through sobs. Lindsay's parents knew that the effects of that day would change her, but they hadn't realised how much. She wasn't their daughter anymore. Gone was the happy-go-lucky teen who laughed with her parents about what happened at school, gone was the hard-working girl, both at her studies and on the ranch her parents ran, gone was the smile that lit up a room, gone were the twinkling eyes which would melt the heart of anyone who looked into them, gone were the bottles of alcohol in her father's cabinet, gone was their daughter. All that was left was a shell. Lindsay continued to sit on her bed, sobbing into another bottle of whiskey she had grasped in her right hand. In her left hand she grasped onto something else to take her pain away. She held tightly onto the scissors from her mother's sewing box, holding the blade to her leg. She took another swig of whiskey and drew the blade across her skin, leaving a red trail in its wake. She dropped the scissors to the ground and pressed a towel to the torn skin of her thigh. A practiced technique she had learnt over the past few months. Again she felt the feeling of relief wash over her body as she pressed the stained towel into the wound, and the harder she pressed, the more the pain grew, replacing the emotional pain she couldn't deal with physical pain that she could deal with._

Lindsay was awoken by the sound of her phone ringing, in her drunken and still half asleep state she answered it automatically.

"Monroe" she cursed herself the minute the first syllable left her lips.

"_Lindsay, thank god, why haven't you been answering me? Where are you?" _it was Mac, the last person she wanted to deal with now, she still hadn't thought of a way to explain what had happened. She stayed silent, thinking of something to say.

"_Lindsay, talk to me, Danny said you didn't turn up at the crime scene." _

What? Danny had covered for her, lied to Mac, why?

"I... erm... I didn't feel well, I fell back to sleep." Lindsay replied, unconvincingly, her speech slightly slurred from the alcohol.

_"Lindsay, do you really expect me to believe that?"_ Mac sounded more worried than angered, much to Lindsay's surprise.

"Yeah, I came over all dizzy and laid down, the next minute I'm on the phone to you", her reply was still unconvincing.

"_Right, well, next time try to call..." _she could tell Mac wasn't convinced _"... and get better, I want to see you in my office tomorrow morning"_

"Sure Mac, sorry."

"_Are you at home Lindsay?"_

"Yeah Mac."

"_Right, well Danny's on his way round, he was really worried about you."_

"No Mac I'm fine, rea..." Mac cut her off, this time the worry was slowly being replaced with anger.

"_No, Lindsay, if you're fine you can come into work, besides, he's already on his way. I'll speak to you in the morning."_

"OK Mac. Bye."

Lindsay shut her phone and laid her head back down, what the hell was she going to tell Mac in the morning. Again all the excuses she had thought of earlier ran through her mind. But Danny had told him she didn't show up, why would he do that?

She took another long swig of tequila as she stood up. Her head was dizzy and she stumbled several times on her way to the bathroom. She collapsed in front on the toilet just in time to empty her stomach contents into it. Tears escaped her eyes, both from the pain of the retching and the realisation that she would have to tell Mac everything. She sat down with her back against the wall facing the bath tub. She saw her broken razor in the bottom, and the blade, glistening on the rim, edged in blood.

She slid it into her hands, taking it between her fingers and rolled up the leg on her sweats, exposing the cut from earlier, still red, but no longer bleeding. Again, she held the blade to her skin for a few seconds, allowing her brain to drift back to the dream she had been woken up from, remembering the feeling of relief she felt after cutting at her skin. She dragged the blade across the smooth skin on her thigh again, this time slightly deeper, causing more blood to escape from the wound. She grabbed a towel from beside the sink and pressed down on the wound. She felt the familiar relief wash over her and the dull ache emanating from her thigh as she pressed harder. She sat for a few minutes, gradually releasing some of the pressure on her leg until she lifted the towel away, exposing the wound. It had almost stopped bleeding completely. She rolled down the leg of her trousers to once again cover the scars of her past and the wounds of her present.

Just as she was standing up she heard a knock at the door, she knew it must be Danny, she didn't want to answer to him but his knocking was very insistent. She sat down on the toilet as the banging stopped. She prayed that he had gone, but her prayers were unanswered, the banging started again, harder and accompanied by his voice.

"Come on Lindsay, open the door, I know you're in there. Lindsay, open the door."

Lindsay stood slowly, from the sound in his voice she knew he wasn't going to back down. Before leaving the bathroom she picked up the towel, wrapped her broken razor in it and placed it at the bottom of her laundry hamper. She gradually made her way over to the door, where she could still hear Danny's voice calling to her. She still staggered slightly, but the vomiting had rid her some of the dizzying effects of the alcohol. She got to the door and held her hand up to the lock; she could feel the vibrations from Danny's banging under her hand as she grasped the lock in her hand. The banging stopped when she turned the lock, as she slowly opened the door she saw the figure behind it, fear in his eyes, his chest heaving from breathing so deeply. His left hand was resting on the open door as if to stop her from slamming it back in his face, his right hand on the door frame, effectively trapping her from the outside world.

"Montana, what the hell is up with you?"

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	6. Relieving

**Thank you all so much for your coments. I am actually loving writing this story, even though it's a bit hard going.**

**Hope you like this as much as the rest!**

**I don't own...anything!**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Relieving**

"_Montana, what the hell is up with you?"_

Lindsay stood in silence, her eyes locked with Danny's. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest and her breath shorten. Determination and fear was evident in his eyes, he stood in silence, waiting for Lindsay to speak.

"Nothing Danny, you shouldn't have come here." Lindsay replied eventually, turning her back to him and walking over to her couch, concentrating hard on not staggering, although unsuccessfully.

Danny followed her in, closing the door behind him. He watched Lindsay stagger over to the couch, he could tell she had been drinking from the moment she opened the door, he could smell it on her breath. Coupled with the way in which she walked and the half empty bottle of tequila on her coffee table only confirmed his suspicions. His eyes scanned the room, the end table was knocked over, a lamp laid smashed on the floor, a book and several letters laid scattered around it. Lindsay finally made it to the couch and practically fell into it, curling her legs under her. Danny continued forwards, picking up the table and replacing the lamp, book and letters before sitting on the arm chair close to the couch, not wanting to invade Lindsay's space any more than necessary. They sat in silence for a few minutes; Danny trying to build the courage to speak to her.

"What happened back there Linds?" he said, breaking the silence, trying to make eye contact with Lindsay, but she kept her eyes glued to the window beside them.

"Nothing Danny, I just... didn't feel well." She knew he wouldn't believe her, but she couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Lindsay, don't give me that. I saw the look in your eyes, that wasn't illness, that was...I don't know, fear."

"I just couldn't stay there Danny."

"Why, we've been to worse scenes than that, with kids younger than that. What was it Linds?" Danny asked, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to relieve the tension building in his head.

"I just couldn't Danny, please, just leave it." Lindsay replied, tears building in her eyes which she tried to wipe away with her sleeve before Danny noticed. He of course noticed.

"No Linds, don't you think I deserve to know. I risked my job covering for you today." He replied, with more anger in his voice than he'd planned on using.

"Well no one asked you to!" Lindsay practically screamed at him as she turned to meet his eyes, the tears she had tried to hold back now streaming down her face.

"But I wanted to Linds! I want to help you!" Danny slammed his hands on the coffee table in front of him, causing the bottle of tequila to shake.

"I don't want your help Danny!" Lindsay shouted as she stood up. Taking the bottle of tequila angrily she walked over to her bathroom, locking the door behind her she sat on the edge of the bath, took a long swig of tequila and let go of the tears she had been bottling up.

Danny could do nothing but watch as she stomped over to her bathroom, locking the door behind her. Again, he removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes, he knew she didn't want to speak to him or anyone for that matter, but she had to, the way she was going she was going to at the very least lose her job. Danny stood from his place in the living room and slowly made his way over to the bathroom, leaning his back against the door he could hear her crying. The sound broke his heart, she was obviously in an immense amount of pain but there was nothing he could do about it. He slowly slid down the door until he was sitting, his knees bent, his own eyes beginning to tear up.

"Lindsay, please talk to me?" he said eventually out of desperation.

"Please Danny, just leave me alone." He heard from the other side of the door through sobs.

"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright Lindsay. If I have to stay sat out here all night I will. I just want you to talk to me."

Lindsay's sobs were receding; she stood and lent her back against the door, sliding down it as Danny had on the other side a few minutes ago. They both sat, an inch away, mirroring each other's positions.

After a while of just sitting in silence Danny decided to change his approach.

"You know Lindsay, when I was a kid I did this with Louie, although I was the one locked in the bathroom..." he started, hoping his confession would help her to open up, "... he was so angry at me, banging on the bathroom door, shouting at me to come out. I was so scared of him, think I was only about 9 or 10; he would have been about 18. I sat with my back to the door scared out of my mind." He paused for a moment, trying to recall the rest of the story.

"What had you done?" he heard from the other side of the door. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"He caught me smoking one of his cigarettes. Completely flipped out."

"You were smoking at 10?" again, her question caused him to let out another sigh of relief.

"Nah, was just trying it. I felt so sick, but I idolised him, wanted to be just like him."

Lindsay let out a small laugh and Danny's heart skipped as he heard that sound, he hadn't heard it in weeks.

"So what happened?"

"Well, he eventually stopped banging on the door; I still stayed in there for about another 10 minutes but I eventually stood up and opened the door."

"Was he there?"

"No, I was so relieved, but just as I stepped out he jumped from round the corner and grabbed me by the collar and dragged me into his room."

Lindsay let out another chuckle at the thought of a ten year old Danny being dragged around like a small puppy.

"I'm glad you're finding this funny Montana..." he said, hoping to lift the mood, "... anyway, he dragged me into his room and shoved a cigarette into my mouth. Said if I wanted to smoke I could, forced me to smoke the whole thing, even when I was coughing my guts up. I threw up so bad." Danny smiled at the memory, and on the other side of the door Lindsay did the same.

Lindsay knew why he'd told her that story, he'd opened up to her, he never spoke about his childhood with anyone from what she had heard. He'd done it for her, could she do it for him? They continued to sit in silence, Danny, waiting anxiously for Lindsay to speak, Lindsay psyching herself up to talk to him. She ran her fingers through her hair, and wrapped them around her knees, scratching at her arms with her finger nails and took a deep breath.

"I was 14..."

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	7. Reliving

**OK, so most of this I have stolen, I didn't change what happened to Lindsay cos... I couldn't be bothered? Not really, I just thought it would fit better and would be easier to imagine.**

**But remember, I don't own CSI, so I take no credit for anything which bears similarity!**

**Thanks for all the reviews people; it's nice to know I am appreciated!**

**Haunted by the past**

**--**

**Reliving**

"I was 14..." began Lindsay, her heart pounding in her chest at the thought of reliving that terrible day, "... I was in the diner in Bozeman with my three best friends, Kelly, Laura and Sam. It was the start of summer and Laura was going to see her grandparents in Alabama and Sam was going to camp so we saying goodbye."

Lindsay took another deep breath, recalling the events of that day were taking more out of her than she thought and the double meaning of saying goodbye caused tears to build in her eyes and a small sob to escape her lips.

On the other side of the door Danny rested his head back against the door as if readying himself for her story. He remained silent, not wanting to push her too much, she was already opening up to him; he didn't need to push for more information than she was ready to give.

"We'd been in there for ages, we'd all just ordered the pancakes, their pancakes were so good..." Lindsay smiled at the memory, "... we used to go and get them every Saturday morning so we thought we'd get them one last time before summer." Talking about 'one last time' caused Lindsay's tears to escape again. Danny simply sat in silence on the other side of the door, listening to her cry, his heart breaking a little with every sob, tears welling up in his own eyes.

While she cried, pictures of her friends flew through Lindsay's mind, all those Saturdays spent eating pancakes, gossiping about what had happened that week in school, the sleepovers they had almost every week, the time they got lost in her father's wheat field, day long bike rides they went on every summer and that last day they spent together.

Lindsay's tears gradually subsided enough and she continued her story, "it was getting late and we were the only people left in the diner, the waitress had gone to get our pancakes and I went to the bathroom. When I was washing my hands I could hear the girls laughing about something, I couldn't hear what they were saying, I wish I knew what they'd been laughing about, they sounded so happy." Lindsay was now speaking through tears, not wanting to stop for fear that she might not start again. Danny was starting to realise why she had run from the crime scene, everything she was describing was like she had been there, he only hoped that his suspicions were wrong.

"Then I heard the bells go on the door. The girls were still laughing. I was just about to turn the tap off when..." Lindsay paused, trying to fight back the tears enough to get through the next part of her story, she could hear the pounding of her heart in her chest, it was so loud she was sure Danny would be able to hear it too, "...when I heard a bang..." a large sob broke free from Lindsay's mouth and she couldn't hold back anymore, she continued talking through the tears, Danny was now turned round, facing the door, wanting to hold onto Lindsay for dear life, "... and then I heard them screaming, and then there was another bang, and another, and another." Lindsay's words were barely recognizable through her cries. She gave up holding the tears back and let them flow.

Danny's eyes went wide when he heard what had happened to Lindsay, his own heart began thumping in his chest. The thought of what she must have gone through, not only on that day but every day since made him want to kill the person that did this to her, fighting the voice in his head he tried to open the door, he just wanted to hold her, to tell her that he would protect her, that she was safe with him.

Lindsay heard Danny try the handle to the door, everything in her body told her to stay where she was but she didn't listen, she lifted her hand behind her and unlocked the door.

Danny heard the lock release on the door and tried the handle again, this time successfully, he slowly pulled the door open and found Lindsay sat behind it. Her arms enveloping her knees, her face buried into them. She looked so small and helpless; he crawled forwards so his back was resting against the bath and took her in his arms.

Lindsay felt strong arms around her and instinct caused her to rest her head against his chest, she grabbed his shirt in her fist and continued to cry.

Danny felt her relax under his arms and rested his chin into her hair, rubbing her back with his left hand. He didn't say anything; he knew that all she needed at that point was for him to be there.

They continued to sit in that position, Lindsay crying into Danny's shirt, Danny trying to hold back his own tears to be strong for Lindsay.

"I didn't know what to do..." she said through tears, "...I just covered my ears and crawled under the sink. I didn't do anything. I should have done something. Anything."

On hearing what Lindsay had said Danny took her face in his hands, wiping away her tears with his thumbs, begging her to look at him.

"There was nothing you could have done Lindsay. You couldn't have stopped him."

"But I just sat there. I didn't even try." She replied, still tears in her eyes, which had now settled on his, frustration clear in her tone.

Looking into her usually chocolate brown eyes, which used to hold such life and vitality, now red and blood shot from tears and alcohol Danny could no longer see vitality, he saw was pain, the pain of almost 20 years of holding onto the events of that day. Pain that he knew wouldn't go away just telling him about what happened, but he also saw something else, he saw hope. Hope that maybe she could get through this with him.

Staring into Danny's sparkling blue eyes, seeing his determination and dare she say it, love, Lindsay felt hope, hope that he would be there for her and tell her all the things she had been waiting to hear, that it wasn't her fault, that she was worthy of this life, that she was wrong when she thought it should've been her.

**Review, Please, Please, Please!**


	8. Resting

**Quite a long one this time and not that exciting, but hold out for me, I'm hoping it's gonna get better, although I have no idea what is going to happen next.**

**Thanks for all the reviews people. I feel LOVED!!**

**Also, I don't own CSI, but I'm sure by now you already know that!**

**Haunted by the past**

**--**

**Resting**

Danny continued to hold Lindsay tightly. Her breathing was slowing and the tears had gone. He looked down at her and saw that her eyes were closed, she was sleeping. He rested his head into hers, taking in her smell and laid a gentle kiss into her hair. He continued to listen to her gentle breathing for a few moments before standing, being careful not to wake her, he lifted her into his arms with ease and carried her slowly into her bedroom. He placed her sleeping form onto the bed and pulled the covers over her shoulders. Again he leant down and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, marvelling at how peaceful she looked after everything she had told him before standing back up.

Danny left Lindsay's bedroom as quietly as he had entered, leaving the door slightly ajar so that he would be able to hear if she woke up. His eyes scanned the apartment, it was a mess, empty beer bottles littered the kitchen worktops, piles of dirty dishes lay in the sink, unopened mail scattered in the living room. He sighed, how had he not realised was going on with her, he'd noticed that she hadn't been quite herself for the past few weeks but he put it down to missing home or something, never would he have thought she was hiding something like this.

Moving over to the kitchen he gathered up the empty bottles and put them into a bin bag. He then gathered up the rest of the rubbish from her apartment, old newspapers, takeout containers and the broken lamp and put the full bag by the door, ready to take out. Next it was time to tackle the dirty dishes, but not before peering around the bedroom door to check that Lindsay was still asleep. He found her curled in a tight ball, as if protecting herself, but she was asleep, and he was thankful for that. He continued over to the kitchen and proceeded to wash the dishes, from what he could guess it had to have been at least three days, if not more, since she'd done any sort of cleaning. The whole time he was stood at the sink his thoughts drifted to Lindsay, to the things she had told him...

_We were saying goodbye_

_One last time_

_They sounded so happy_

_I heard a bang,_ _then there was another bang, and another, and another_

_I didn't do anything. I should have done something. Anything._

Tears began building in his eyes again as he thought of what she had gone through, and obviously hadn't dealt with. He fought them back though, he was no use to Lindsay like that, he had to stay strong, for her. So he continued his quest to clean her apartment before she woke up, keeping himself busy. He put all of her unopened mail in a pile on her coffee table, returned her books to her bookshelf and generally put things back where they belonged, as best he could.

Once he was happy with the living area and kitchen Danny moved his attention to the bathroom, again, checking on Lindsay on the way. She was still sleeping in the same position, curled up under the sheets. He wondered how long it had been since she had slept so soundly, from the looks of her over the past few days, probably a while. He left with a smile and moved over to the bathroom, his smile dropped as he saw the virtually empty bottle of tequila on the floor, close to where Lindsay had been sitting previously. He picked it up and washed the little liquid which remained down the sink then took the empty bottle to the bin bag he had placed by the door. On returning to the bathroom his eyes were drawn to the side of the bath tub. There was a red smear which he hadn't noticed previously, he was almost certain it was blood. He knew there could be a million perfectly innocent explanations, she had a nose bleed, she cut her self shaving, but something didn't settle right with him. Pushing those thoughts out of his head he wiped the blood away, convincing himself that he was being paranoid.

Once he had finished cleaning up the bathroom he noticed that her laundry hamper was full and decided he would do some of it for her.

Just as he was about to empty the hamper onto the ground he heard Lindsay in the bedroom, it wasn't a scream, but neither was it a pleasant sound, it sounded like a pained grunt.

Danny ran over to the bedroom, upon entering he saw Lindsay now laid on her back, her head shaking from side to side, her hands clenching at the sheets so hard that her knuckles turned white, beads of sweat trickling down her furrowed brow.

Danny quickly moved over to her side, sitting on the side of her bed, resting his hand on her cheek.

"Lindsay, it's just a dream..." he whispered into her ear, she noticeably relaxed at the sound of his voice, "...come on Linds, it's just a dream, your fine. I'm here Lindsay."

Suddenly Lindsay screamed and shot up in bed. Danny startled at the sudden movement, jumped back before grabbing Lindsay into a tight embrace.

Lindsay felt Danny's arms wrap around her and sunk her head into his chest, grabbing at the material of his shirt with her fists, letting her tears escape from her eyes.

As soon as his arms were around her Danny was relieved to feel her sink into the embrace. He pulled her in tighter, stroking her back and continuing to tell her that it was just dream and that he was there.

Hours seemed to pass before Lindsay stopped crying but Danny finally felt her shoulders stop shaking and she began to sit up. As she did he removed his arms from around her back. He lifted his right hand to her face and wiped the tears away from her eyes, as he did so she looked into his eyes, not saying anything, but he knew what she was thinking, she was saying thank you with her eyes. His left arms drifted down her side and rested on her right thigh.

Suddenly Lindsay jumped back at the feel of his hand resting on the painful area on her thigh. Danny saw the pain in her eyes and looked at her questioningly.

"I er, I banged into the table earlier. Just a little sore." Lindsay replied to his questioning look, her eyes didn't meet his once throughout her explanation.

"Oh, right" Danny said, unconvinced, but reluctant to push the issue.

Silence stretched out between them, neither knowing what to say. Danny kept his eyes on Lindsay, watching her every movement. Lindsay refused to make eye contact with him for fear that he would see the truth in her eyes. Somehow whenever he looked into her eyes he could tell what she was thinking.

"Erm. Thanks Danny, you didn't have to stay." Lindsay said, finally breaking the silence, but still not meeting Danny's gaze.

"Well after all that booze you drank I wasn't sure if you were asleep or unconscious" Danny said, half joking, trying to lighten the mood.

It worked as he saw a smile tugging at Lindsay's lips.

"Yeah, about that..." She looked uncomfortable

"I won't tell Mac" Danny replied, cutting her off before she had to try and come up with an excuse.

"Thanks..." She replied, now meeting his gaze, a small smile on her face, "...I'm gonna go to the bathroom."

Danny nodded as she stood and began to walk out of the bedroom, he followed her. Once she got to the doorway she stopped, her eyes scanning the rooms in front of her.

"You cleaned up", she said turning to the man behind her.

"Well, it was quite a mess, dare I say it was worse than my place" he replied with a smile.

"Thanks Danny, you really didn't have to." She said as she made her way over to the bathroom.

Danny watched her as she shut the door behind her and made his way over to the kitchen to make some much needed coffee.

As Lindsay walked into the bathroom her eyes went wide and her heart started pounding, he'd cleaned in there too. Her eyes cast over to the laundry basket which was not in its normal position. She hurriedly began tugging things out of it until she reached the bottom and sighed when she found the bloodied towel, still with the evidence from her earlier transgression wrapped inside. Quickly she stuffed the laundry back into the hamper and replaced it to its usual position. She looked at the broken razor in her hand, wondering what to do with the offending object.

She put the broken plastic parts into the bin, toying with whether to do the same with the blade she stood up and heard a knock at the door.

"You OK Linds?"

She glanced at her reflection in the mirror on the door of her cabinet. Dark bags hung under her bloodshot eyes, the results of endless sleepless nights. Her skin lacked its usual glow, from the countless meals missed, replaced by caffeine.

She sighed again, "Yeah Dan, I'm fine, be out in a minute."

Opening the cabinet, regretfully she placed the blade inside a box of tampons; at least she knew Danny definitely wouldn't look in there. She didn't want to carry on this way, but she didn't know how else to deal with her emotions.

"Good, cos I've made coffee" She could hear the smile in his voice and smiled herself, only slightly, but it was the most she had smiled in weeks.

"Great." She replied, closing the cabinet just before turning to leave the bathroom.

**Reviews are always welcome.**


	9. Resolving

**Another short chapter, next one she is going to tell Mac, then, I think, things are gonna get exciting! OOoooohhhh, bet you can't wait! **

**See disclaimers in previous chapters, they still apply.**

**Haunted by the past**

**--**

**Resolving**

Lindsay awoke to the sound of her cell phone ringing. She blindly felt around her bedside table for the offending object, not finding it she reluctantly lifted her head, squinting her eyes at the rays of sunshine penetrating her window. She looked around her room, following the ringing of her phone, eventually finding it on the floor in front of her bedside cabinet; she looked at the display, seeing the name of the caller through blurry eyes.

"Hey Mac."

"_Lindsay, I'm ringing to make sure you are coming in today." _Lindsay could sense worry and anger in his tone.

"Yeah Mac, sorry about yesterday, I don't know what came over me."

"_Well, it happened. I want to see you in my office as soon as you get in." _This time the anger took over the worry in his voice, Lindsay knew that he didn't believe that she had been ill.

"Sure Mac, I'll be there soon."

Lindsay hung up her phone and groggily got out of her bed, walking over to her dresser. She scowled at the face she saw in the mirror, bloodshot eyes surrounded by darkness, then a pain throbbed in her temples, a lasting reminder of the alcohol consumed the previous day. She sighed and closed her eyes at the memories of yesterday.

_Montana, what the hell is up with you?_

_I want to help you!_

_I don't want your help Danny!_

_I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright Lindsay._

_I was 14..._

She opened her eyes and rubbed them, trying to diminish the blurriness still present. She hung her head in despair. She'd told Danny everything, well, almost everything. How was she going to act around him now? How was he going to act around her?

Her head snapped back up, how had she got to bed? Had he put her there? Was he still there?

Lindsay gingerly made her way over to her bedroom door, on opening it her eyes scanned the room, coming to rest on the sleeping form on her couch. Laying face down, his head resting on a cushion, his left arm dangling over the edge, his finger tips grazing the floor. A smile tugged at Lindsay's lips. He had stayed the night; he didn't run as soon as he had heard what she had been through.

She made her way back to her bedroom to get ready for work, all the while contemplating whether she should wake Danny.

She was ready for work, sitting at her dining table finishing a mug of coffee, watching Danny, still fast asleep on her couch, still question whether or not to wake him. She stood to take her cup to the kitchen, rinsing it out and placing it on the draining board.

In the living room she took out a notepad from her desk and wrote a note for Danny which she left next to his glasses on the coffee table before leaving the apartment quietly and quickly, before she changed her mind.

Danny awoke to bright rays of sun in his eyes. He grunted and turned away, facing the back of the sofa and closing his eyes again. Unable to return to sleep he reluctantly turned back over, rubbing his eyes as he sat up and reaching for his glasses. As he put them on he noticed a piece of paper next to where they had previously resided. Lifting it he began to read.

_Danny_

_Thank you for yesterday_

_I had to go into the lab to see Mac_

_I knew if I woke you you would insist on coming with me _

_But I have to do this on my own_

_Montana_

_P.S help yourself to my food_

Danny smiled, she knew him so well. Of course he wanted to be there for her, to hold her hand when she spoke to Mac, but he also knew that she had to do this alone, and he also knew that it was him that had given the strength to do that. His stomach growled at him, breaking his thought process, so he got up and made his way to the kitchen to take up Lindsay's offer of food, not before sending a text message to Lindsay.

Lindsay pulled her car up in the parking lot of the lab building and shut off the engine. She rested her arms on the steering wheel and her head on her arms for a minute, gathering all the strength in her body before making her way up to the lab.

Stepping out of the elevator Lindsay glanced around the lab, it was as busy as usual, busier even, no one seemed to be staring at her, judging her, whispering about her, they were all too busy with their work to notice her wandering down the glass hallways, keeping her eyes on the floor in front of her as she made her way to Mac's office.

Just before she got to his door she paused, taking a deep breath. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket; it was a message from Danny.

_Don't worry Montana, you'll be fine_

_D_

_X_

It was as if he was reading her mind, just like he does when he looks into her eyes. She took another deep breath and knocked on Mac's door.

"_Come in"_

She opened the door and saw Mac sitting at his desk as usual, signing some paperwork.

"Hi Mac..." another deep breath, "...there's something I need to tell you."

**Review, PLEASE! Should I continue??**


	10. Recalling

**OOOOHHHHH, Lindsay's telling MAC! Exciting stuff, well, not really. I promise this is going to get better, I hope!**

**Thank you for all the reviews, glad you want me to continue and can't keep my loyal fans waiting too long!**

**So...here it goes...**

**Haunted by the past**

**--**

**Recalling**

"_Hi Mac. There's something I need to tell you."_

"Take a seat Lindsay." Mac motions towards the seat opposite his desk without looking up from his paperwork.

"Thanks Mac." Lindsay replied, taking a seat. She sat with her hands on her lap, scratching at the fabric of her trousers, her heart beating rapidly in her chest, her feet refusing to stay still.

Mac finished the piece of paperwork he was working on and looked up at the young CSI across the table from him, obviously nervous. He crossed his arms on the desk and leant forwards.

"Is everything OK Lindsay?"

That was the question she had been waiting for, was everything OK? No, nothing was OK, never had and never would be as far as she was concerned.

"Um... not really Mac." Lindsay replied, her voice breaking with emotion.

"What's the problem?" Mac said, in a sympathetic tone, not dancing around the subject, which Lindsay was secretly thankful for; she wanted to get this out of the way as quickly as possible.

"Um...I got this letter a couple of weeks ago and ... I, um... I need to go back to Montana in a couple of weeks." Lindsay started to explain, her tear filled eyes meeting Mac's.

Mac nodded, "OK Lindsay, but, I will need to know why." Mac said standing; he could see the fear in Lindsay's eyes and guided her over to the couch in his office.

"Yeah, I thought you would." Lindsay took a deep breath as she sat down and clasped her hands together to try and disguise the fact that they were shaking.

Mac noticed her hands shaking and realised she was more upset than he first had thought. He took her hands in his.

"It's OK Lindsay."

Lindsay took another deep breath. "I um, I need to go back to Montana to give my statement in a murder trial..." Lindsay took another deep breath, "...as a witness."

Mac nodded, he didn't need to know more, as a boss, but as her friend he wanted her to open up to him, he wanted his CSIs to be able to come to him with problems.

Lindsay also knew that she would have to tell him what had happened so that she could explain what happened yesterday.

Lindsay took her hands from Macs and placed them crossed on her knees, her fingers clawing at the fabric of her long sleeved shirt, her eyes were fixed on the floor. Another deep breath, "It was when I was 14, I was in a diner with my 3 best friends, we were the only ones left apart from the waitress."

Lindsay wiped the few escaping tears from her eyes as she paused to take a breath. Mac was now sitting watching Lindsay as her eyes stayed fixated on a point on the floor in front of her.

"I went to the bathroom and I heard the bell go when someone walked in..." Lindsay's heart was now beating so hard she was sure Mac could hear it, "... then I heard... I ... there was a gunshot, and screaming, and another gunshot, and another, and another."

Mac took Lindsay's hand in his again.

"I stayed in the bathroom but I looked out of the crack in the door and saw him. I was scared he'd come and get me too... but he didn't, he left, so I went out... and my... I saw my friends, lying on the floor, and the waitress at the counter, the till was empty. He'd killed them, just so he could get the money."

By this point Lindsay was crying, tears were dripping down her face, Mac had moved closer and put his arm over her shoulder, still keeping her trembling hand in his. Lindsay's free hand rested on her thigh, again, clawing at the fabric beneath it. For a few minutes they sat in silence, until Lindsay's tears subsided.

She lifted her hand and wiped her tears away.

"So you have to go back and identify him?"

Lindsay nodded at Mac's question. "I'm not sure if I can do it though Mac, I mean, see him again."

"You'll do great Lindsay; you're a very strong woman."

"Thanks Mac." She said, a smile tugging at her lips.

"Now, about yesterday?" Mac said, "I take it you weren't ill?"

Lindsay shook her head. "I'm sorry Mac."

"So you did go to the scene?"

Lindsay nodded, "I'm sorry Mac, I... I couldn't stay there. It was just... it was like being back there."

"I understand Lindsay, but, you should have told someone. And Danny..."

Lindsay cut Mac off, "Don't blame Danny Mac, I didn't ask him to do that." She said; desperation in her voice.

"I know Lindsay, but if you'd come to me earlier, none of this would have happened"

Lindsay nodded. "So...Danny?" she looked at him questioningly.

"I'll have a word with him, but don't worry, I understand why he did it, and nothing will happen to him."

"Thank you Mac." Lindsay said, her smile growing.

"There we go; I haven't seen that smile for weeks."

Lindsay laughed through the few remaining tears.

"So, you think you can work until you have to go back?"

Lindsay nodded.

"Cos if not, you can stay in and do lab work until then."

"No Mac, I'll be fine, really, it was just that case."

"OK then, but if anything..."

"I'll come to you Mac." Lindsay said, smiling again.

"And you can have as long off as you need."

"Thank you Mac, it should only be a few days."

"Good, I can't be losing one of my best CSIs for too long."

Lindsay laughed again as they both stood.

"Thank you Mac." Lindsay said as he hugged her.

"Not a problem, and thank you, for telling me."

Lindsay smiled over her shoulder as she went to leave.

As Lindsay left his office Mac returned to his desk and looked out of the glass door of his office and saw Lindsay leave, to be greeted by Danny. He smiled, thankful that she had someone there for her.

As she walked towards the glass door Lindsay saw Danny waiting outside Mac's office. She opened the door and his eyes met hers instantly.

"Hey."

"Hey." She replied as Danny put his arms around her in a warm embrace.

"So, how'd it go?" he asked, releasing her from his arms.

"Good..." she nodded, "I told him everything." Danny nodded

"I also told him that I went to the scene yesterday."

Danny looked up at her, worry in his eyes.

"Don't worry Danny, I told him that I didn't ask you to say anything, he said everything will be OK."

Danny simply nodded, and looked through glass door of Mac's office, who signalled him to come in. Danny still looked worried.

"It'll be fine Danny." She said, a smile tugging at her lips

As he nodded and entered Mac's office Lindsay's smile dropped and she sighed and headed to the bathroom with her hands crossed, nails now clawing at the skin on her wrists.

**Please review I need to know what you think and I won't update until I get one, so I know people are actually reading it! I know; I'm evil.**


	11. Reacting

**Well here it is! FINALLY! Are those cheers I hear out there??**

**Sorry all you guys who have been patiently waiting for this and those who hate me for that Author Note last week. I'm a terrible, terrible person.**

**I hope it's worth the wait!**

**Haunted by the past**

**--**

**Reacting**

Two weeks had gone by and the time for Lindsay to return to Montana was fast approaching. In two days she would be sitting on that plane, heading back to the place she swore to herself she would never return to.

On the outside she seemed to be handling the prospect well. She turned up to work on time or early, worked hard, as usual, and even continued her jokey banter with Danny. At times she would clam up, especially when the case in the diner had been top priority. She avoided anything to do with that case but one day she walked into the break room unnoticed just after they had closed the case.

"_So he killed them all...for 500 bucks?!" asked Stella, annoyance and aggravation in her voice._

"_Yep..." said Danny dejectedly taking a sip of his coffee, he would have much rathered it was beer after the interrogation he'd just sat through but coffee would suffice...for now, "...said the girls weren't supposed to be there, that it was always empty that late."_

"_So he's been watching the place?" enquired Stella._

"_Yeah, about 2 weeks. Said he didn't want to kill anyone, but the girls wouldn't stop screaming."_

_Stella shook her head, "Big surprise there. They were being shot at"_

"_Hmmm..." Danny sighed, "I just can't imagine what they went through, how scared they must have been. There was nothing they could do. They were...helpless." Danny said; not only talking of the girls in their most recent crime scene but also Lindsay and her friends._

_Lindsay stood in the doorway, unnoticed by its occupants. At Danny's final statement the tears she had tried to hold back escaped from her eyes and she unconsciously let out a sob as she turned to leave._

_Hearing a sound from the doorway Stella and Danny turned just in time to see Lindsay's retreating form._

_Danny stood quickly before Stella even had time to respond. He followed the path Lindsay had taken, pushing past lab techs as he went. In his quest to find Lindsay he checked their shared office...empty, the bathroom...empty, the reconstruction lab...Adam was in there with Kendall __(Danny made a mental note to ask him about that later), the last place he could think of was the locker room. _

_Lindsay ran towards the locker room, holding her head down to shield the world from her tears, knocking into lab techs as she ran. Hearing the discussion of that crime scene again brought back her feelings of helplessness, unlike Danny, she could imagine what they'd gone through, and she wished she couldn't. As she entered she took her bag from her locker, containing the object for her release, and headed back out towards the bathroom._

_Danny reached the locker room just in time to see Lindsay walk, no run, out, her head held down, she practically knocked him to the ground as she pushed past him._

"_Lindsay, hold up..." Danny yelled after her, but she didn't slow down._

_Danny stood outside the locker room, a debate running through his mind. Stay...Go...Stay...Go... he removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, attempting to relieve some of the building tension. As he replaced his glasses he shook his head and spoke out loud to himself._

"_What are you doing Messer, Go"_

_Lindsay slammed the door of the ladies bathroom open so hard that it bounced off the wall, causing an almighty bang and the lab tech who was currently looking in the mirror to jump and quickly scurry out. She made her way to the cubicle and sat down on the toilet, dropping her bag and cradling her head in her hands as she finally allowed herself to release the tears which had been threatening to escape from her eyes. _

_After a few seconds she could feel anger building in the pit of her stomach, aching to be released. It caused Lindsay's hands to tremble and she grabbed her hair in her fists and began rocking back and forth with frustration. Her eyes were locked open on her bag, knowing how its contents could help her._

_Suddenly the anger grew and the fury in her stomach exploded; she released her head from her hands and punched her left hand into the door in front of her. As her fist came into contact with the wood panel she felt a shock of pain run up her entire arm. The sound of her hand coming into contact with the door bounced off all the walls of the tiny room she inhabited. The pain from her stomach now subsided, but her hand throbbed with pain, she was almost certain something had broken the second she connected with the door. She placed her hand palm down on the door to assess the damage. Her knuckles were red, the one at the base of her ring finger having split upon contact. The pain wasn't enough to quell the voices in her head so she spread her finger as wide as she could and pressed against the door with her entire body weight, tears built in her eyes and she bit her lip to keep from calling out. The ache was now so great that the voices in her head were being overtaken by thoughts of the pain in her hand. She slumped forwards onto the floor, enveloped her knees in her arms and began sobbing again._

_Danny stood outside the bathroom, he had seen the lab tech leave a few seconds ago looking shocked and muttering under her breath. He stood, his palm against the door, the conflict in his head returning, Go...Stay...Go...Stay. He was brought out of his thoughts by a loud crashing sound, out of instinct he pushed the door open only to be faced with an empty room. However he noticed that one __of the cubicles was occupied, walking slowly up to the door he could hear movement from inside. He knew it was Lindsay, reaching the door he could hear muffled groans and deep breathing coming from her. His own breathing was now quickening with worry, the battle in his head still whirring. The sounds of Lindsay moving and then her choked sobs broke his reverie once more, although he continued to listen for a few seconds before reacting. He raised his hand to the door in a fist, letting it hover for a few moments before making contact with the wood._

"_Linds... you alright in there?" He knew it was a stupid question, he knew she wasn't alright; he also knew she would say that she was._

_Lindsay heard the knock and raised her head, she knew who it was before he spoke, he had his own knock that she could recognise anytime._

"_I'm fine Danny." She lied through her tears, and he knew she was lying, he could hear that she was crying through her voice._

"_I'm sorry Linds, I didn't want you to hear that."_

"_I'm fine Danny" she repeated, though still through tears which were now reducing somewhat._

_There was silence for a few seconds, Danny desperate to help, Lindsay desperate to be alone._

"_I heard a noise in here, like a crash or something." He said, unwilling to leave her like she probably wanted._

"_I'm FINE Danny." She said, no longer through tears, but through building frustration. She stood, straightened out her clothes, wiped her eyes and glanced down at her hand as she went to unlock the door, the knuckles still red and the split on her ring finger now bleeding. A warm rush enveloped her at the sight of that familiar colour running down her hand. She pulled back the lock and pushed her way past Danny toward the sink to rinse the comforting colour from her hand._

_Danny heard the door open and before he could say anything Lindsay pushed past him towards the sinks. He sighed and rested his back against the wall behind her, watching her reflection in the mirror._

_Lindsay looked up in the mirror and wiped the bit of streaked make up from under her eyes. Then her eyes locked with his, she could see the worry in his eyes._

"_Danny, I told you, I'm fine." She replied to his unasked question, forcing a smile on her face._

_He pushed himself away from the wall, he knew she was lying, and he could tell that her smile wasn't genuine, it didn't reach her eyes like it normally did when they were joking around at a scene, or like when she'd got one up on him that night at Cozy's. _

"_Lindsay..." he said, worry and concern lacing every syllable._

"_Stop Danny, just...STOP" Lindsay shouted, turning to meet his gaze, anger and frustration evident in her tone, but the sadness still clear through her teary eyes._

"_Stop what Lindsay?" He asked, genuinely confused by her outburst._

"_Stop trying to save me" she replied angrily. The frustration giving way to the tears which were now threatening to fall._

_Danny reached her in two steps and enveloped her in a tight embrace. She tried to break away, he however refused to let go, but she kept fighting, shrugging her shoulders for him to loosen his grip, hitting him on the chest until she finally lost her strength and gave in, dissolving into tears._

"_Never" he repeated over and over into her hair as she wept in his arms._

**Well I hope that was worth the wait, I've had some real issues with this chapter, not only cos I've been busy, it was really hard to get some progression from her telling Danny. I don't want her to be suddenly fine.**

**Let me know what you think...Good or Bad...preferably good though!**


	12. Retreating

**OK guys so I know you ain't happy about me not updating as fast as I used to be, but one review, come on, a girl needs attention!**

**There is 1 swear word in this, on the last line, so those of a nervous disposition beware.**

**This one starts off as a continuation of the flashback from the last chapter.**

**Thanks to camilita for reviewing so much, what a star!**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Retreating**

_Two hours later Lindsay was sitting on a tiny, uncomfortable bed in the Emergency room, her left hand cradled in her right. The curtains were drawn creating the illusion of privacy when in reality she could hear the noise and commotion of the ER all around her, someone being sick, nurses reassuring patients, gurneys being wheeled around, the receptionist on the phone, doctors explaining procedures, she wasn't sure but someone close by may have been getting some distraction from their pain, even through the pandemonium that is a city ER she could hear Danny, complaining that they had been here 2 hours and no one had seen her._

_Lindsay smiled to herself and looked down at her hand, the knuckles were a deep red colour, she could tell they were going to bruise, the blood from the cut on her ring finger had begun to dry up and her whole hand ached. She stretched out her fingers slowly, causing a throb to run through her entire arm, as her fingers became straight a piercing pain enveloped her hand, tears built in her eyes but relief crossed her face. She knew what she was doing was amplifying her physical pain but it was alleviating her emotional pain. A smile tugged at her lips as she fisted her hand, causing a different, pulling sensation on the back of her hand. These actions were repeated several times until she was pulled out of her trance by someone clearing their throat. She raised her head to see Danny standing in her 'room', arms crossed across his chest, a confused look gracing his features._

"_Don't that hurt?" he asked._

_Lindsay's gaze drifted back to her hand, she was now moving her fingers one by one, thumb, index finger, middle finger, ring finger, pinkie, ring finger, middle finger..._

_She shrugged, "It helps"_

_Danny's brow furrowed with confusion once more and he was about to ask what she meant when the doctor pulled back the curtain to enter, _

"_So Detective Monroe, what can we do for you?"_

**Back to the present day:**

It had been a week since that day in the hospital, the doctor had told Lindsay her hand wasn't broken, just severely bruised and advised her to not use it much for a few days. Matching looks of confusion graced both his and Danny's face when Lindsay looked disappointed, but neither asked her about it. Her knuckles were now turning an ugly yellowish colour as the bruising healed. Her hand still ached on occasion but it was pretty much back to normal, much to Lindsay's disappointment. The pain in her hand had been enough to distract herself from her dangerous thoughts for the most part, the main reason being that she flushed the painkillers the doctor had given down the toilet her as soon as she got home, she'd also ignored his advice not to use her injured hand and done the opposite, used it more than she normally would in attempts to replace her emotional pain with physical.

When Danny saw tears in her eyes at the kick back when she test fired a shot gun, he asked if she wanted her painkillers, she told him she'd just taken some.

When Danny saw her wince when she helped an ME lift a DB onto the trolley, he asked if she wanted her painkillers, she told him she'd left them in her locker.

When Danny saw her cringe when she used her left hand to knock on a suspect's door, he asked if she wanted her painkillers, she snapped at him and told him to stop babying her.

She hated lying to him, he was the person she most trusted in New York, she'd told him her second biggest deep dark secret and with all her heart she wanted to be able to trust him with her deepest darkest secret but something kept holding her back. There was a niggling feeling in the back of her mind that feeling stemmed from the look she saw on her mother's face the day she woke up in the hospital after she'd promised her she was better, disappointment. Her mother hadn't noticed that she had woken up and it was just for a split second, but Lindsay saw it and it was enough to convince her that she never wanted to see that look again. The voice in her head told her that if Danny found out, every time she looked into those bright blue eyes where she once seen determination and possibly love, she would see that look again and she never, ever, wanted to see that in his eyes. So she held back from him, tried to stay as far away as possible, both physically and emotionally, she knew it was hurting him, but she knew the truth would hurt more.

So tonight, when Lindsay saw Danny walk into the bar she had been sitting in for the past 2 hours building quite a tab she turned away, hoping he wouldn't notice her, hoping she wouldn't have to lie to him...again.

However, in Lindsay's drunken state she failed to realise that she had being staring at Danny since he walked in the bar, once he eventually saw her she held eye contact with him for about 10 seconds until she turned away hoping he wouldn't notice her.

Danny had been looking for Lindsay for over an hour now, ever since she snapped at him outside the suspect's apartment he had been worried about her. Since she had told him about why she had to return to Montana he couldn't help but worry, and the closer it got to the day she was going to leave, the more worried he became. He'd also started to notice things, little things, but they only added to his worry. She always seemed on edge, she would cross her arms and claw at her forearms with her nails (which were always long), she bounced her foot...a lot, she looked tired all the time and ever since the day in the bathroom when she hurt her hand she had been short with him, 

answering with one word wherever possible. He had thought when she opened up to him that things would get better, that sharing her problems would help her deal with them, but the opposite seemed to be happening, she was worse now than ever. He'd phoned her cell, her apartment, when she didn't answer either he went round to her place, she wasn't there so he'd gone back to the lab and checked their office, the locker room, the roof, again, no sign of Lindsay, he'd even called Stella to see if she'd heard from her, she hadn't, so, here he was, in Frankie's, watching her, wasted, contemplating his next move, but Lindsay decided that for him.

"What are you doing here Danny?" Lindsay started, without turning around, she saw him standing behind her in the mirror behind the bar, could see the conflict in his eyes.

"I um, needed a drink..." he said as he sat on the stool next to her "...you want one?"

Lindsay rolled her eyes and nodded as Danny signalled to the barman for their drinks. They sat in silence, thinking.

The barman brought their drinks and Lindsay raised her bottle of beer to Danny with a sarcastic smile.

Danny broke the silence that had fallen between them, "I've been looking everywhere for you Linds."

Lindsay scoffed, "Why? I'm a big girl."

Danny pinched the bridge of his nose, "cos I'm worried about you"

"No need Danny" Lindsay replied, taking a long swig of her beer, her eyes still hadn't met his since he'd walked into the bar. He was stuck watching her profile, but even from that angle he could tell she had been crying.

Danny sighed, how was he ever going to get through to her? He took a long gulp from his beer and rested his arms on the bar, drumming his fingers as he thought.

Lindsay heard him sigh and turned her head slightly, she could practically see the wheels turning in his head. She turned back to her drink and took another gulp before she heard his fingers start drumming. She glanced down at them, and then to his face, he didn't seem to have noticed what he was doing. She tried to ignore it, the _tap tap tap_, of his fingers, but with every second it got louder and louder, more and more irritating. Tap tap tap, She crossed her arms, as she usually did, clawing at her forearms. _Tap tap tap, _she bit her lip to stop herself from screaming at him. _Tap tap tap, _she screwed her eyes shut to hide the frustration building in them. _Tap tap tap, _she broke...

"FOR GOD'S SAKE DANNY, STOP TAPPING!"

Danny stopped, and whipped his head around to look at Lindsay. "Sorry" he said sheepishly as he saw the anger in her eyes.

She sighed and rested her head in her hands, rubbing them over her eyes, as if trying to rub the anger out of them.

"I gotta go" Lindsay said as she attempted to stand from the bar stool. As she did she stumbled into Danny, who instinctively reached out to catch her. Their eyes met again for a split second, before Lindsay turned away from him and began stumbling out of the bar.

Danny quickly grabbed some money out of his wallet, placed it on the bar and followed her out. He caught up with her just outside of the door; she was whipping her head from side to side, trying to work out which way she had to go. Seeing her confusion Danny placed a hand on the small of her back and began to walk in the direction of her apartment. She immediately pulled away from him and scoffed.

"I know where I'm going Danny." Lindsay said mildly convincingly.

Danny shook his head and restrained a smile. Even though she was going through hell he could still see the real Lindsay under there, stubborn as ever. He followed her, ready to catch her if she fell, which she almost did a few times. When they were a few blocks away from her apartment she tripped on an uneven slab on the pavement, landing on her hands and knees.

Danny was by her side in seconds; he helped her into a seated position and squatted down next to her to examine her for injuries.

"Y'alright Montana", he said, after seeing that she didn't have any serious injuries.

She scowled at him, again, "I'm fine Messer..." she said getting up to her feet slowly, stumbling a couple of times "... and stop calling me Montana" she said angrily, continuing her walk home.

They walked a few more feet before Lindsay sat down on a bench. Danny was confused for a few seconds until he saw her unzipping her boots. He sat next to her and leaned back.

Once Lindsay had removed her boots she rubbed the balls of her feet and sighed. She could tell he was still there, following her, waiting for answers she didn't want to give, but the more and more he pushed, the more she could feel her wall, and her resolve, breaking. She wanted to get as far away from him as possible so she stood up and began to walk away again.

"You know Lindsay..." Danny said with a sigh as he stood to follow her, "...you really shouldn't be drinking on them painkillers."

Lindsay stopped in her tracks and spun around. Danny stood, looking her in the eyes, seeing more pain and frustration than he thought he would ever see from her.

"WELL THEN ITS A GOOD FUCKING JOB I'M NOT TAKING THEM ISN'T IT DANNY!"

**So I'm not overly happy about this chapter, so let me know and REVIEW!**


	13. Revealing

**2 reviews for the last chapter, bit better, but come on guys! I NEED MORE!!**

**I've been playing with this chapter a lot in my head, been quiet at work so practically wrote this in my head whilst I was supposed to be working, got a bit distracted, kinda made a couple of mistakes. (oops) So you guys best appreciate this!**

**Also, I kinda flit between American and English vocab so don't get confused**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Revealing**

"_WELL THEN ITS A GOOD FUCKING JOB I'M NOT TAKING THEM ISN'T IT DANNY!" _

Danny stood in shock, watching Lindsay walk away from him as quickly as she could, her feet were bare, her boots in her left hand, her right arm held out to the side to help her balance, she almost tripped over her feet a couple of times before he processed what she'd said.

"Wait...What... You're not taking your painkillers?" he said, jogging up behind her.

Lindsay shook her head as she climbed the steps to her building. "Just drop it Danny" She couldn't believe she'd just told him that, but he was pushing her and she just snapped. She couldn't take his nagging anymore. It reminded her of her mother, she would constantly ask how she was; ask why she was in her room for more than 30 minutes, even if she'd only been doing homework.

Danny stood a step lower than her, watching her fumbling in her bag for her keys. "No. Why aren't you taking them? You're hand must be killing you."

Lindsay found her keys and struggled to get them into the lock, "It's fine..." she missed the lock, "... it doesn't even..." she missed again, "...hurt anymo... AHA!"

She finally got the key into the door and it swung open with her still holding onto the key she tripped forwards, the only thing holding her up being the key in the door.

Danny moved up a step and stopped again shaking his head as he saw Lindsay wrestling with the key, trying to get it out of the lock. He saw her boots next to the door and picked them up as she made her way towards the elevator and took three attempts to press the button.

"You forgot these." He said dejectedly, confused as to why she was lying to him and why she hadn't been taking the painkillers. Had she just stopped taking them or had she never taken them?

Lindsay snatched the boots from his hand as the elevator door pinged open and stumbled in. Danny followed her quickly as she began angrily jabbing at the 3rd floor button, squinting her eyes to try and focus on the numbers.

Once Lindsay had finally managed to press the correct button and the doors had closed she backed into the corner of the small space, rested her head against the cold metal wall and closed her eyes.

Danny watched her, his mind racing, wondering what was going on in that head of hers. Her breathing was deep but even, like she was trying to calm down, like some sort of relaxation technique. He shifted on the spot and her eyes opened slowly, when her eyes met his her brow furrowed in anger and she pushed off the wall to stand closer to the door, waiting for it to open.

"You're following me." She said angrily.

The elevator stopped and she stumbled from the sudden lack of movement.

"I'm making sure you get home OK Linds." Danny replied as the doors opened.

Lindsay huffed and carefully took stepped out of the elevator, making her way towards her apartment, her left hand resting against the wall as she went to hold herself up, Danny cringed at the thought, how it must be hurting for her to put most of her weight onto it like that. Her bag was hanging off her left elbow and her boots were precariously gripped in her right hand. She was trying to walk in a straight line, putting one foot directly in front of the other, like she was walking on a tightrope. Danny stayed close behind, ready to catch her if she fell.

Lindsay finally reached the door and retrieved her key from her bag. Her eye lids were becoming heavier by the second and all she wanted to do was get into her apartment and sleep for a week, but that involved opening her eyes, lifting her head from its current position resting on her door and trying to get the key in the lock.

As if reading her mind Danny took the key from her hand and unlocked the door. He could see she was beginning to give in to the desire to sleep so extended his right arm over her shoulders to hold her up as he pushed the door open. As he did he worried that she might push him away like she had been for the past week but to his surprise she relaxed under his arm and rested her head against his chest.

Lindsay could feel sleep taking over as her head rested on Danny's chest, relaxed by the gentle rise and fall from his breathing. She inhaled deeply, relishing in his scent, allowing herself a minute of contentment.

As Danny guided Lindsay into her apartment, after closing the door with his foot, he dropped her keys onto the dresser by her door and took her purse and boots from her, placing them on the floor by the dresser. He could feel Lindsay's steps were becoming slower and more hesitant; she was quickly giving into sleep. So he swept her into his arms in one swift movement, his left arm coming under her knees, his right moving under her arms. Her head moved to his shoulder and her arms instinctively wrapped around his neck. Danny couldn't believe the sudden change in her mood, one minute she was yelling at him, the next she was clinging onto him for dear life, granted she was intoxicated and practically unconscious, but Danny took it as a sign that maybe she didn't completely hate him.

Carefully making his way through her apartment Danny entered Lindsay's bedroom and sat her on the edge of the bed. As soon as she felt the soft mattress beneath her she laid down, her head resting on her hands, he feet still resting on the floor. She could hear Danny moving around the room, but her eyes felt so heavy, she didn't have the energy to open them, nor did she have the energy to tell him to leave. She had almost succumbed to slumber when she heard Danny speak.

After placing her on the bed Danny noticed some sweats on her floor and decided she would probably feel better sleeping in them than the jeans she was currently wearing.

"Hey, Linds...Linds...Don't fall asleep yet" he said as he crouched down next to her.

Lindsay opened her eyes to meet his and let out a barely audible grunt.

"Sleep Danny" she said, her voice breathy and exhausted.

Danny couldn't suppress a smile, she sounded like a child. He was just glad her eyes had closed again otherwise he was sure she would have attacked him again for laughing at her. He held up the sweats he had found, "Linds. Here. Put these on."

Again Lindsay opened her eyes and she sighed as she saw him holding out the sweatpants she'd taken off earlier. She slowly pushed herself into a seated position and held out her hand to take the item from Danny. Danny handed them to her and stood, turning his back to give her some privacy.

"Don't worry Montana, I won't look." He said, trying to lighten the mood from earlier, his heart rate calming as he heard a soft chuckle from her.

The room was silent before he heard her belt unbuckle, he was trying to suppress pictures in his head of Lindsay undressing. He heard as few small sighs and grunts before a crash and a sharp intake of breath.

As Lindsay was pulling her left leg out of her jeans she became unsteady on her feet and her legs became tangle, before she had chance to react she tumbled to the floor, catching the side of her head on her bed as she fell.

"Ow." Lindsay said as landed on the floor.

Danny reluctantly turned at the sound of Lindsay falling, "Linds, You alr... Shit" he said, his eyes reaching Lindsay, laid in a heap on the floor.

He quickly crouched down next to her as she was pulling herself into a seated position, her hand holding onto her head.

"Y'alright Montana?" he asked as her eyes began to open.

Danny couldn't believe the situation he had found himself in, crouching down in his drunken co-workers bedroom, next to her, half undressed, after he had carried her in. His eyes drifted momentarily to see how far she had gotten in changing herself; she still had one leg in her jeans he thought to himself as he chuckled lightly.

Lindsay noticed his gaze had left her face, but her intoxicated and now throbbing brain took too long to realise that she was still half undressed.

The smile left Danny's face as he noticed the angry red marks on her thighs. He took a sharp intake of breath and his hand unconsciously covered his mouth.

Lindsay's brain was beginning to catch up with her when she noticed the expression on Danny's face change. Her breath caught in her throat. Her hands began to tremble as a million thoughts ran through her intoxicated mind. _Shit shit shit shit shit. _Her hand left her head and tried to cover the marks on her legs, even though she knew it was too late, Danny's gaze hadn't moved, his eyes were frozen open, his hand still clamped over his mouth. Lindsay instinctively brought her knees up to her chest and enveloped them in her arms, tears began to form in her eyes and she began shaking her head.

"No, no, no, no, no..." was all she could get out before the tears began to fall.

**I don't know if you guys noticed but there were a few little metaphors I threw in there, Lindsay 'walking the tightrope' (physically and emotionally) and Danny being ready to 'catch her if she fell'. Top marks to those that noticed them.**

**Quick question, this might sound stupid but what does AU and OOC stand for??**

**Oh, and REVEIW!! Or I might stop writing, again (btw, I am sorry 'bout that 'little' break)**


	14. Responses

**This is a really short chapter, this and the next were supposed to be all one, but I thought they were better suited apart. But you are getting both together so no complaining!**

**Thanks to racefh853629 and Katy who answered my questions about OOC and AU! Been contemplating possibilities for those for ages!**

**Congrats to those of you who saw the metaphors, honestly, I didn't notice I wrote them till I re-read it through.**

**Thanks to all those who have reviewed, getting more now! YEY! Camilita, you're still my star and I'll be expecting those gazillion messages! And I agree with Pepite, I dunno why I don't get more reviews... I deserve them, even after my little disappearing act!**

**Oh, and please review after this chap before you read the next cos I wanna see your reaction to this chap before you've read the next! You'll see why!**

**Haunted by the past**

**--**

**Responses**

"_No, no, no, no, no..."_

Lindsay was sat, still half dressed, knees tucked under her chin, arms enveloping her legs, rocking back and forth as she cried. She buried her face into her knees, shaking her head from side to side and began repeating the words again.

"No, no, no, no, no..."

She couldn't believe she'd been so stupid, getting drunk, letting him in her apartment, getting undressed. She knew he wouldn't watch her; that he would respect her privacy, but she had to be drunk and stupid and fall over. He knew now, he knew her deepest darkest secret. What was he going to do now? He hadn't run when she told him about the shooting, but this, this was worse, much worse. This wasn't a memory that could be forgotten, this wasn't some past experience that only haunted her dreams. This couldn't be soothed away with hugs and comforting words. This followed her everywhere. This ruled her life. This was...this was too much for him to handle. He was going to run. This realisation caused Lindsay's crying to escalate and audible sobs to escape her lips

After Danny's hand clamped over his mouth he sat frozen for what seemed like hours listening to Lindsay mumble the same word over and over again, but in actuality it was more like seconds. He was still crouching down in front of Lindsay, all his weight on the balls of his feet; he could feel his legs struggling to hold him up both from physical exertion and emotion. He gently rocked back onto his heels and leaned back, landing with a soft thump so he was sitting in front of Lindsay, his knees still bent in front of him, his hand which had remained clamped over his mouth moved to remove his glasses, he pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes as if trying to push the tears back in. He saw her bury her head in her knees and continue rocking.

His mind was swimming; he didn't know how to handle this. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? His mind was screaming at him to run. How could he tell her everything was alright when it clearly wasn't? How could he hold her and tell her she'd get through this when he didn't know if she could? He couldn't do this. He couldn't comfort her. He couldn't help her through this. He knew he was being selfish, but he didn't know how to deal with this, she needed more than he had to give. He had to leave.

**Remember! Review before you read the next chap!**


	15. Reprimanding

**I hope you enjoyed my cliff-hanger...on with the story!**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Reprimanding**

Danny was broken from his internal struggle by Lindsay's sobs escalating. He removed his hands from his face and lifted his gaze to rest on the woman in front of him, she had remained in the position she had been in when he covered his eyes but now, to his astonishment, her cries had grown, her shoulders were shaking and she was impossibly trying to bury her head even further into her knees. She was broken and he was the only person who knew.

He shook his head and immediately began reprimanding himself. _You selfish bastard, how could you even think of running? Look at her!_

A million thoughts ran through Danny's mind as he watched Lindsay curled into a tight ball sobbing her heart out. _Hold her, talk to her, shout at her, argue with her..._ but he knew that anything he did now would ultimately end in her shutting him out. No, now was not the time, she'd been drinking, she was clearly distraught even though her cries were becoming less and less frantic, he'd have to wait, she needed sleep, needed time to register what had happened in the past 5 minutes.

Danny grabbed the sweat pants that were on the floor beside him and slowly made his way so he was sitting directly in front of Lindsay.

Through her sobs Lindsay could hear Danny moving around; _this is it, he's leaving, _she kept her head buried in her knees, she would rather cry herself to sleep thinking of the look of shock on his face than his back walking out of the door. She waited for the click of the door closing, but it never came, nor did she hear any footsteps, or the front door opening. Taking several deep breaths to calm herself down she reluctantly lifted her head, wiping her hands with the heels of her hands as she did. She lifted her gaze from the floor, her eyes travelled up to two jean clad thighs in front of her, she carried her journey upwards, over a snugly fitting green t shirt to silver dog tags glistening in the little light which was breaking through her window, up again to a familiarly stubbled chin, and eventually meeting two bright blue eyes full of concern. He was still there, that and the concern in his eyes made her heart swell and her eyes tear over.

"Here" Danny said as Lindsay's eyes finally came to rest on his, he held out the sweat pant he had found earlier.

Lindsay raised her right hand to wipe the few tears were still resting on her cheeks and took the pants from Danny with her left, giving him a small smile as she did.

Danny simply nodded and stood, turning his back to Lindsay as he had earlier. Lindsay took this as a sign to change and slowly stood, kicking off the rest of her jeans as she did and pulled the 

comfortable sweats on. Once they were on she stood, looking around for something to replace the deep cut top she was currently wearing. As if reading her mind Danny held out a well worn t shirt behind him, never turning his head to look at her.

"Thanks." Lindsay said as she took the item from him.

Danny's heart skipped a beat at the sound of her voice. It was small and timid, not the usual sarcastic, joking tone he was used to, but the sound of her talking at all was enough for him to calm slightly.

A few seconds later there was a lull in the sound of clothes being removed and replaced.

"Ya done?" Danny asked, still not turning his head until he heard an affirmation from Lindsay.

"Mmhmm." Lindsay said, as confirmation that he could now turn around.

When Danny turned he saw Lindsay stood, her arms folded in front of her, she looked nervous, he couldn't blame her.

"You should get some sleep Linds."

She simply nodded and moved towards the bed.

"I'm gonna get you a glass of water." Danny said as she pulled back the covers.

She slid under the soft covers of her bed and sat much like she had been on the floor, legs bent enveloped by her arms holding the covers of her bed over them.

Danny walked into Lindsay's kitchen and took a glass from the draining board. He filled it with cold water and quickly drank it himself. After swallowing the liquid he set the glass down, rested his hands shoulder width apart on the counter top and took long deep breaths trying to calm his emotions.

After a few seconds he straightened himself, removed his glasses, pinched the bridge of his nose and wiped a tired hand down his face. He had to hold himself together at least until she was safely sleeping. Happy that his emotions were under control he refilled the glass and returned to Lindsay's room.

Danny walked in, set the glass on the nightstand and sat on the edge of Lindsay's bed. He placed a reassuring hand over Lindsay's. Her eyes met his.

"Go to sleep Linds." He said, moving to stand up.

Lindsay grabbed his hand, stopping him from standing he sat back down and returning his eyes to hers, "Danny..." she exhaled, her eyes leaving his, not sure of what she wanted to say, she returned her gaze to meet his "Danny, I..."

"It's alright Lindsay. Just go to sleep now."

She nodded and laid down, Danny still sitting on the edge of the bed. She tucked her hands under her pillow and curled her legs up, closing her eyes in the process.

"Thanks Danny." A few unshed tears escaped her closed eyes.

"No problem Linds." Danny replied as he brushed the tears away with the pad of his thumb.

Lindsay felt his hand on her face and instinctively reached out and grabbed it. She scooted backwards on the bed, still holding his hand.

Danny sighed, "Lindsay..."

"I don't want to be alone." She mumbled, her eyes opening momentarily.

Danny nodded, kicking off his shoes and slowly laid down next to Lindsay, on top of the covers.

As his head hit the pillow he turned to his side to face Lindsay, whose eyes were now closed and her breathing steadied. She was still holding his hand in hers, although now not as firmly as she had been previously. Just like that night a few weeks ago she looked peaceful in her sleep, almost angelic.

Danny sighed, his now released hand raised to brush a stray curl from her face.

"Tomorrow Montana..." he said under his breath, "...tomorrow we'll talk."

**Now, I'm not that evil! You didn't really think he was leaving did you!? **

**Review and tell me how much you love/hate me!**


	16. Reassuring

**Sorry it's taken so long guys, I'm back at uni and am really busy so you're gonna have to be patient.**

**It's finally here though so I hope you enjoy!**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Reassuring**

Lindsay awoke to streams of sunlight invading her senses. She slowly opened her eyes a crack, only to shut them again immediately, scrunching them up and pulling the covers over her head. She let out a small grunt and turned over, holding the covers over her head, shutting out the light, and the world. The events of last night rolled over and over in her mind.

Getting drunk in the bar; she hadn't meant to get that drunk, only went in for a few drinks.

Danny finding her; typical that he find her the one day she overdid the beers after 2 weeks of only ever having a couple of drinks before returning home

Her yelling at him; she wasn't really angry at him, she was angry at herself for not being able to hold it in around him

Telling him she wasn't taking her painkillers; he just pushed and pushed, she hadn't meant to tell him that and she knew it would hurt him when he found out she'd been lying to him about them all along.

Falling over; that had to be one of the stupidest things she'd ever done, why hadn't she just made him leave?

Him seeing the scars; she would never forget that look of shock and horror on his face.

Him not leaving... he hadn't left.

This realisation caused Lindsay to open her eyes. It didn't take her long to locate him, the soft snores emanating from the familiar body lying next to her on the bed giving him away before she even lifted the sheets. She rolled onto her side so she was facing him and propped her head up on her hand. He was still dressed in his clothes from the previous night and he hadn't even lifted the covers. Her heart warmed at his caring actions and a trace of a smile graced her delicate features.

As warmed as she was by his caring actions Lindsay couldn't help but worry still about how he'd react to finding out about her cuts. Even as she thought about it her smile left and her face fell into a frown. Sure he hadn't left the night before but in the light of day, what would he think? After having time to process what it meant would he change his mind? She bit her lip as she mulled over the endless stream of questions clouding her subconscious. Her eyes were trained on Danny but she didn't see him, she was looking through him, not at him.

Danny felt movement beside him as he began to awake from a fitful sleep. All night his dreams had been invaded by the picture of Lindsay crouching on the floor crying. He hadn't had time to process the happenings of the night before and his subconscious was obviously attempting to. He knew the repercussions of last night would have massive implications in his and Lindsay's relationship and it scared him. He loved how they were together, the playful banter, the innocent flirting, but it hadn't been like that for ages, and that scared him more than anything; the possibility that they might never get that back. If he ever wanted that back, if he ever wanted her back, he needed to help her and much to his surprise, that thought didn't scare him in the slightest.

Slowly, Danny's eyes began to open and after allowing a few seconds to adjust to the bright room he noticed Lindsay still laid next to him, looking at him, but not seeing him. He turned slightly towards her and he saw her eyes register that he was awake almost immediately, a mixture of shock and trepidation present in her features.

Their eyes met and Lindsay felt her heart start to race. It had been alright whilst he was asleep, she could envisage all sorts of scenarios where he stayed with her, helped her, and everything was perfect. But now he was awake she had to come back to reality, what if he didn't want to stay?

"Morning..." Danny said, finally breaking the silence, "...how'd you sleep?"

At first Lindsay just smiled, thinking it had been the best night's sleep she'd had in a while.

"Good thanks" she replied eventually.

Danny could sense there was more she wanted to say, she was biting her lip just like she did in meetings; he stayed quiet and waited for her.

"You...you stayed?" Lindsay asked timidly.

Danny heard Lindsay's silent question of 'why?' and weighed up his options of how to answer her. He could be serious Danny and tell her he was scared to leave her alone or he could be funny Danny and try to alleviate some of the tension. Of course, funny Danny won out.

"I never could say no to a beautiful woman" he replied with a smirk.

At the sight of the smile gracing Lindsay's lips Danny knew he had made the right decision and his own smile grew with hers.

But just as quickly as the smile appeared it left, the conflict playing out in Lindsay's mind translating into her features.

"You...Erm...I wanted to ...about last night..." Lindsay started, unsure of how to continue the conversation and if she even wanted to, "...I..."

"Linds..." Danny cut her off, "...before you say anything I want you to just listen."

Lindsay nodded, not trusting her voice at that moment and unsure of where this was going.

"Last night, It was...well...it was big and I want you to know that no matter what, I'm gonna be here for you, no matter what you say. You don't have to say or do anything you don't want to. I just need you to know that I'll be here, when you're ready. Whenever that might be."

Danny's speech was perfect, exactly what Lindsay needed to hear and the compassion in his words touched her more than anything anyone had ever said to her before. She had dreamed about the moment someone found out about her secret many times, with both good and bad outcomes, but she never imagined anything so perfect; especially when she didn't even know what she wanted to hear herself.

Suddenly Lindsay felt Danny's hand on her face, his thumbs drying the few tears she had let escape.

"Thank you Danny..." Lindsay said with a smile, "...for everything."

"Anytime Montana." Danny said with a grin, knowing her nickname would put her at ease.

Lindsay's smile grew as she shook her head and sat up in bed.

"You're incorrigible Danny Messer..." she said walking over to the bathroom, throwing a cursory glance over her shoulder and seeing Danny sitting up on her bed with the biggest smirk on his face, replacing the glasses he had removed the night before, "...coffee's in the kitchen by the way!" she added with a chuckle, closing the bathroom door behind her.

**Hope you enjoyed, next chapter is gonna be them talking about what happened so might be a hard one to write and might be a while...sorry...but if you guys review lots of nice things it might speed up the process!**


	17. Resolve

**Ok guys, don't hate me too much for the MASSIVE break I've had. If you'd seent the amount of crap I'd been through over the past few months you'd have understood.**

**So we're back with the story. I'm thinking of wrapping this up soon, leaving the ending open and posisbly doing a future story as a resolution. What are your thoughts on this???**

**Anyway, I'll let you get on with reading it, and thanks to all those who are still reading. I know how it feels when writers take ages to update so trust me, I feel your pain! ust put it down to tortured artist syndrome or whatever.**

**Oh...and I own nothing...at all.**

**LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!**

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**Haunted by the past**

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**Resolve**

The rest of the morning went by like any normal day. No mention of the previous nights events was made and Danny treated Lindsay as he did any other day, much to Lindsay's relief. He made her coffee whilst she showered, they sat in comfortable silence whilst Danny drank his coffee and Lindsay made pancakes for the two of them to have for breakfast, they shared the newspaper, laughing at the more comical stories and moaning about the stories where the writer slated the NYPD.

Then the time came for Danny to leave, Lindsay still needed to pack for her flight tomorrow, as much as she had been putting it off, she knew that it had to be done, that she had to go home to face that monster.

The two were standing at the door, neither knowing what to say. Lindsay wasn't sure she wanted him to go, because for him to go meant that she was on her own and when she was on her own bad things happened. Danny didn't want to leave Lindsay; he could see that there was still pain behind her eyes despite the way they had acted so normal all morning.

"I guess I should go then" stated Danny, not really believing what he was saying.

Lindsay didn't know what to say, she couldn't ask him to stay because there wasn't really anything he could do for her, and she had so much to do anyway.

When Lindsay didn't answer him he just nodded and began to walk down the hallway towards the elevator.

"Danny, wait" called Lindsay tentatively , eventually finding her voice.

He turned to see Lindsay half out of her door, looking anywhere but at him in nervous habit she seemed to be picking up. He walked beck over to her and her eyes lifted slightly to meet his.

"Thanks Danny, for yesterday. I...I don't... I mean...it feels good to tell someone...even though I didn't really tell you, you sort of found out...but it still feels good for someone to know...I mean, I don't know what I'd have done...not in a bad way, I mean..."

"Lindsay," Danny said, interrupting her rant, her eyes which had been darting around as much as her hands had been during the last 30 seconds lifted again to meet his, "don't worry about it."

She exhaled for the first time in about 2 minutes.

Before she could speak Danny interrupted her again. "You'll be fine tomorrow, you'll go back to Montana and you'll put that bastard behind bars where he belongs and you'll be back here before you know it."

Lindsay could only nod, afraid that if she opened her mouth the sobs which were clogging up in her throat would escape.

"And if you need anything, I mean anything at all, you call me OK. I don't care what time it is, where I am, anything at anytime. OK"

Again, all Danny received was a nod, but it was all he needed, he knew what she was thinking by the look in her eyes, the gloss from the build up of tears might have made anyone think that she was upset, but he knew different. He could tell by the deepness of the brown colouring and the way her eyes were curving up slightly at the outer edge that she wanted to smile. Internally he was fighting the voice that told him that he shouldn't notice things like that about a co-worker and hugged her instead. He felt her fingers grip his shoulders as she let herself fall into his embrace.

Lindsay could feel the emotions beginning to fade, the anger and hurt she was feeling was slowly but surely beginning to dissipate and as she watched as Danny stood back from her and wiped the tears from her cheek before walking away to the elevator. She knew that he was there to stay, that all the fears she had had about telling someone about her secret were unfounded and that with Danny's help she was going to beat her demons, in the courtroom and her in mind.

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**OK so please review cos I need ot know that people are still interested in this and that I should still write this.**

**I'll send happy thoughts with my first review! I promise. If you don't feel them, try harder.**


	18. Reading

**Hey hey! Not sure if anyone is still reading this but I am detirmined to finish it. Clearly this has been hard to write as it has been MONTHS since my last update. I have finished Uni now and am preparing to move to London this weekend. I hope you enjoy this. I think there may only be one or two more chapters to this story but hopefully they should come quicker than this one.**

**Haunted by the past**

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**Reading**

24 more hours found Lindsay sitting on a plane about to take off for Bozeman. Her knees were bouncing with nerves and she was sure that the person to her right was getting more than a little fed up with her, she had already asked the attendant when they were setting off twice and her constant fidgeting had caused her to knock his elbow about four times.

Trying to find something to calm her nerves she searched in her bag for the book she had put in there for the long journey. She settled back in her chair, took a deep breath and opened the book to the first page. After a few minutes she was fully engrossed and barely noticed when the plane took off, taking her back to a place she had promised herself she would never return to.

The rest of the flight was a blur, as was stepping off the plane, collecting her small bag and seeing her father stood waiting for her. The hug she gave him was short and unfeeling, more for show than any real sign of affection. It was clear for any of the people surrounding them that this reunion was not a happy one as they walked toward the exit silently, each with their own thoughts running through their minds.

That night Lindsay laid in her bed, trying to avoid sleep the best she could. Her eyelids were becoming heavy and her body screamed for the rest it had been craving for days. But she still refused, adamant that no nightmares cloud her memories and distort her recollection of what really happened that day. At least that's what she told herself. She'd been having these nightmares for years now and she still remembered exactly what had happened as if it had been yesterday. If she closed her eyes she could hear all the sounds, smell all the aromas and feel every emotion that had been surrounding her that day. She told herself not to sleep, but it wasn't to keep her head clear, it was because she was scared. Scared that if she slept and dreamed those dreams again that not only would her memory be clouded, but her resolve and determination that Danny had helped her to begin to rebuild would be broken down again. She had been through that fight too many times and every time she tried to rebuild her determination it fell harder and was even more of a struggle to build back up. She turned to her side and looked at the clock, it read 3:47, she had been tossing and turning for close to 4 hours now and couldn't bear to continue the night in this way. Throwing her legs over the side of the bed she climbed out and sat down beside it, reaching under the bed and pulling out a book which hadn't been opened for many years. As she sat back against the bed she wiped the dust from the cover revealing the words of a young teenager ;

"_Lindsay's Diary! Keep Out or Else!"_

The contents of the book took Lindsay back to all the happy, sad, angry, jealous and funny moments of her childhood. Moments that at the time seemed like the most important thing in the world. The time a teacher gave her a C on a paper she'd written when she thought she deserved an A, the time Billy dumped Kelly then asked Sam out the next day, the time the four girls got their revenge on Billy, the time her Mum and Dad bought her her very own horse. As she read through each of these memories she laughed, smiled and cried, until the entries, like her life at the time, changed. Anger could be seen in writing as well as the words, the ink smudged in some places from falling tears, the words screamed hurt and terror from the pages. Lindsay continued to read each page until, without her noticing, her eyes began to fall and her body finally took over and let her mind rest.

Lindsay awoke to the sounds of her parents moving around downstairs and a pain in her side from sleeping on the floor for the past few hours. She stood up and stretched out her back, feeling the knots loosen and her bones crack. She looked at her reflection in the mirror, tired, broken, not the person she was a few months ago. She had been happy and settled until that letter had arrived. The anger bubbled up in her stomach and was released as she drew her arm across her dresser, taking all the contents with it crashing to the floor. Glass smashed and liquids spilled. A bottle of red nail polish from her youth smashed by her feet and the red colouring clung to her skin as she fell to her knees trying to clear up the mess she had made only to fall back against the bed, knees held against her chest, sobbing for the memories she had read about the night before.

The rest of the morning went in a similar pattern; small, seemingly insignificant things sent Lindsay into the pits of despair, but every time she remembered the look in Danny's eyes and the words he had spoken to her and she pulled herself out. She knew that if she really needed him he was there and just knowing that was enough for her to battle through at least that morning and get to the court room.

A few hours later and Lindsay was sat outside the courtroom, people were moving around her, some recognised her and she saw the looks of pity on their faces, most walked past her without a second glance, either purposefully or because they simply had no idea who she was. The only people she hadn't seen were the ones she didn't want to; the parents of her friends. She had been sitting just outside the courtroom for about half an hour and there was still no sign of them. She knew they were coming, they had to be, it was the trial for their daughters' murderer. Her parents had been placating her changing mood all morning, letting her have her space or calming her down when she accepted their help. The trial was taking its toll on them too. They were reminded of the troubles Lindsay went through every time they saw the pain in her eyes and the tears she tried to hold in cascade down her cheeks and they weren't sure they would be able to help her if her old behaviour returned to its past ferocity.

The call came for everyone to take their seats and Lindsay stood to join the others in the court room. As she did, she saw the parents of her friends being ushered towards the doors amid a crowd of photographers screaming at them for a reaction. She froze in place as Kelly mother's eyes locked with hers and she felt a familiar sense of pain building in her stomach. She ran through the gathering crowd to the bathroom, locked the door and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks, the little make up she had applied was down running down her cheeks mixed with her tears and her knuckles had gone white from her gripping the counter top so tightly. She collapsed to the floor, dropping her bag in the process and sobbed. Through the tears she saw a familiar shiny object which had fallen from her purse and she reached to grab it.

**Hope it was worth the wait, let me know what you think by clicking the review button at the bottom!**

**xxx**


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